Although it was not a dream as such, I always wanted a big family. Before my first miscarriage I wanted 4 kids. After I lost that first one, something changed in me and I decided I wanted 3.
So, after falling pregnant so easily with Lukas, I thought that my "fertility problems" were behind me and I could go ahead with my "plans to have 3 kids" whenever I wanted. But because Lukas came right on month 1 of trying - and it turned out to be so close to Amanda (they have only 1y 9m different and I do not recommend, if you have an option because without help, it is a HELL OF A LOT OF WORK). You have been warned.
We waited until L was almost 2 years old to start trying this time around. Of course, like I said before those things never go like we plan. I stopped the pill, got the ovulation prediction kits (OPK) and we got going... And nothing... So, I started taking some medication to ovulate regularly because I knew from the OPKs that I was not ovulating every month.
Eventually I did get a faint positive at about 4w and a few days followed by strong period pain and blood in the summer. My sister was here visiting and I only tested because I was feeling so, so tired.
Then, just before Christmas I was one week overdue. Something inside me kept saying "you will not get your period but you are not pregnant either" but I decided to test due to the holidays and got one of those digital pregnancy tests that give you the weeks (it was the only test available at the pharmacy). I did the test and got a positive 3-4 weeks. Immediately I knew there was something wrong as I was expecting to be a bit more than that (4-5 maybe even 5-6 weeks). And I kept felling that same strange feeling that I was empty, that there was not a baby in my belly. I put it down to it taking so long to get pregnant, but tried to reassure ourselves that we were blessed and it was going to happen. It seemed like the perfect timing with what I was planning to do with my job in the next few months and the age difference for the kids.
But there was something not quite right, I just knew it and didn't want to get my hopes too high up.
We were away for Christmas and on our way back from our holiday I started feeling pain. At first it was not a lot and would come and go, but over a few days got more and more and more as well as some spotting... until one day when I the pain was very serious that I needed paracetamol and I started bleeding. I knew it was the end that pregnancy and in some ways the dream of having another baby.
I had set a "deadline" for trying, which was my birthday coming up in early March. I'd be 43 years old and I felt that was enough. So it did not look likely it was going to happen.