The First Pregnancy

My first pregnancy was with my ex, A. We had been married for a few years, lived in different countries, travelled and made a decision to get pregnant. I stopped contraception (the pill) and fell pregnant within two to three months, I think. I don't remember well, but I don't remember taking a long time.

The first signed I noticed was a heighten sense of smell. I used to have my nails done every week and I remember feeling the smell of the hand cream from a distance. I wondered if they had changed brand or fragrance. It didn't occur to me that I could be pregnant.

Then I had a fight with A (which was unusual, we hardly fought at all). I don't remember why but we had so few arguments that I wondered if I was in a bad mood or something.

I had my therapy session as usual that week but then my therapist asked if I could be pregnant. That is when I first entertained the idea that I could be. Within minutes I was sure I was, just because of those little things. Something was different. I was super excited to tell A about it and he was not really so static (understandably since it was just a suspicion by then, but I was certain!): He was away and I wanted to wait so we could do the test and find out together, so I bought the test and waited a day or two until he came home and did the test that I knew it would be positive. And it was. So simple, so fast, so clear. Little did I know that my journey to have a baby had only just started and it would take well over 9 months to get my first baby in my arms (not to mention a new husband…). This was somewhere in July 2009. I had my first baby in April 2014.

So I book my first pre natal appointment (I had already done all the prenatal test and selected a doctor and so on). He was quite calm, did the ultrasound and told me to go back in 2 weeks. By then I was six weeks pregnant already and I never suspected from his voice or actions that there was anything wrong with anything. I was in a different planet and the pregnancy not progressing was not something that ever happened in that planet, so it never occurred to me.

Two weeks later we are back, he does another scan and says that there is no heartbeat and that at this point we should be able to see a heart beat. He explained that was why he asked me to come back two week earlier (sometimes the calculations for conception date or the embryo development can be a bit off), but this was a case of a Missed Miscarriage (which I had never heard of) meaning the embryo died but the body had not yet miscarried. I was devastated. There were two courses of action: to do a DC (Dilatation & Curettage, a medical procedure to remove the pregnancy) or wait nature take its course. I decided to wait.

I waited a week, I think, and nothing happened so I decided to do a DC instead because knowing I was pregnant but also knowing I would not be having a baby was driving me mad. I booked the procedure and did it under general aesthetic one morning. The worse part was waking up in a maternity without a baby, surrounded by moms with their babys (in all fairness I did not see anyone, but I knew they were all around me).

I put it down to bad luck. You hear of many women who have miscarriages. It is normal. It is ok. It will pass…

1 comment

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alqfvviuhj November 12, 2020

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