The Fourth Pregnancy

Since it was my third miscarriage, they recommended investigation. They did not find anything on the foetus but estimated it to be around 9 weeks. There was a study going on at the hospital where I was treated about miscarriages and I was hoping to get in the trial. I did but they could not find anything wrong with me or with J. I know already that I had a cyst on my left ovary, and even if this could make falling pregnant more difficult, it should not impact keeping the pregnancy. In any case, they referred me to a specialist for removal.

They told us to wait a bit for my body to recover before trying again to fall pregnant but we were a bit in a rush. I was 36 years old already. But we waited a few months and at the end of the year we were pregnant again. We are happy but cautious and I requested additional ultrasounds to follow up on the progress and ensure everything was going as it should.

We did an ultrasound on week 6, everything was fine, heartbeat and all. We were happy. Maybe it was all behind us.

The next ultrasound was on week 8 and I was not worried about that. Given that the last pregnancy had gone up until about week 9, the scan on week 10 was the one I was worried about. Our minds work in mysterious ways. My pregnancies with my ex did not make it past 6 weeks and so somehow I felt that with J having passed the 6 weeks mark, which is up until most of the miscarriages happen, I thought this time around the risk should be higher around the same week again: week 9.

So we went to our appointment for week 8 completely oblivious to any potential issues and fairly confident. We of course, tell our story to the nurse who will do the scan, I sit on the chair and she starts. We are giggling and happy until she throws the bomb: “I am very sorry but I can’t see a heartbeat.”. The world stopped. And then collapsed. She said she would call a colleague to double check and we were certain there must have been a mistake. This could not be happening. Her colleague confirmed the same diagnose. We were beyond devastated. We were shocked and lost and terrified of what was to come.

It was difficult to find a cab and I don't even remember how we got home. And from then on the worst phase of my life began. I had gone through a divorce. I had lost loved ones. But nothing compares to the low I felt on this life challenging time. I began to wonder if I ever would have children at all. I could not get hugs from people without falling apart. I began wondering what life would be like if I could not have children at all. How would our life be?  How else could I see my life? Could I find joy in it somehow?

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