After trying for almost 2 years, taking medication to ovulate every month, using OPK to predict the best days and having sex on the right days and going through 2 early on miscarriages, it was time to give up. To add to that I was turning 43 so not really prime time to conceive a baby and the kids were getting older, so the gap would be bigger too.
So, despite desperately wanting another baby and a family of 5, it felt like it was not for us. I started to focus on the positive of our family as it was. We had two wonderful, happy and healthy kids, we had a nice house, I starting to run my own company full time, leaving the safety and security of a job at a big multinational.
It was painful. I felt that I had not really enjoyed my babies when they were newborns. I did not enjoy the pregnancies as much as I should have. And every time I saw a baby or heard that someone has pregnant I felt sad (for myself, very happy for the new parents, of course). And I couldn't really complain. I already had two kids. There are so many that do not have and wish. It is so unfair.
People don't talk about pregnancy loss a lot and people don't talk about those parents that desperately want a baby and struggle to get one (or a second, or whatever, infertility can come at any time, even if a couple were able to conceive before). I think people don't want to feel or make other people feel uncomfortable, but that is the only want through pain. To talk about it, to process it and only then be able to move on. And I did. I moved on.